CAPTAINS LOG    Day1                                              
         

My first day on this planet and I must say it has been a bewildering experience. These earthlings believe in doing things they do not enjoy doing in order to feel good about themselves? Maybe its some form of masochistic streak they have inside them. This female earthling i have been observing has two beasts caged up like prisoners in her brothers barn. Everyday she strolls up there and and shovels up their faeces on to a wheel barrow and dumps it on to a mountain of shit she has accumulated outside the barn. Maybe she has some use for this waste or it may be used as currency on this planet,,, who knows? I dare not ask her why. Occasionally she jumps on the back of the bigger of the two beasts  and parades around the little village with a whip in her hand whilst the animal carries her. I noticed the beast was of the male species but had no testicles? I asked her how they can breed without them. She casually explained that she had had the testicles removed. I shuddered at the thought and began to wonder about this woman I had been assigned to observe.Apparently this sadistic streak runs in the family, her daughter who claims to be the owner of the smaller of these beasts also has its testicles removed? Another interesting observation i have made is the little beast they keep here at home. They call her Smillan. It is allowed to sleep in their beds, sofa etc and i was once asked to take it for a walk. I was given small plastic bags to collect faeces in if it were so obliged. I asked her if i should then go dump it on the mountain of shit near the barn? But no! apparently this shit was not as valuable and i was to toss it in a garbage bin. "why not just leave it on the grass and use it to fertilize the earth" I asked. She explained that someone may step on it??? god forbid if someone hurts the little lump of shit. I will continue this report tomorrow. I do not want to miss seeing this womans father cut the heads off 200 birds then pluck all their feathers off their warm bleeding bodies. I know I know! sounds like a fucking mad one doesnt he:)

 It had all began so innocently. I had obtained some casual work as a gardener in Smygehamn Sweden. This year i was back working at a same adress i had worked in 2 years ago. The owner (Charlotte) specified what jobs needed to be done and went off to work. I noticed an area in the corner of the garden was different to what it had been on my previous visit here. They had layed some pavement stones there which seemed to pay no purpose or practical use, not only that they were badly placed. I thought I would correct the situation and went over and lifted up one or two of these pavements. I began to level out the soil beneath the stones and uncovered something buried beneath there in a black plastic garbage bag. I ripped a little hole in it with my shovel and was suddenly met by a terrible stench of rotting flesh. "what the fuck is this?" I wondered. On closer inspection I noticed the bag was filled with dismembered body parts. I could see the toes on a foot that had been sawn off a leg at the ankle. MY GOD! was Charlotte a murderer? or maybe her husband was? or both? I quickly covered the bag and its contents up with soil again and placed the stones back. I was in shock over this gruesome discovery, I did not want to involve the police due to my not so lawfull past and besides I liked Charlotte and her husband. I decided to pretend I never saw it and went back to the duties Charlotte had assigned me to. Later in the day Charlotte arrived home. "hur går det Veikko?" she aked. I noticed her eyes kept looking toward that corner of the garden where i had made my gruesome discovery. "har du fixat till plattorna där borta i hörnet Veikko?" SHIT! Being the perfectionist that i am:) I had unwittingly placed the pavement stones back nice and level. "Nej! jag har inte varit nära där" I said. I could see the suspicion in her eyes and that she did not believe me. She then went inside to get some money to pay me for the work I had done today. I began to pick up the tools i had used and noticed Charlotte by the window with the phone in her hand, she appeared to be arguing furiously with somebody on the phone. A minute later she casually strolled out to the yard and asked if I would not mind staying a little while longer till her husband came home from work. He apparently wanted to discuss some new project he needed help with. I was the new fucking project! they were going to chop me up as well. I made up an excuse that I had to go and pick up Jenny( a friends daughter) from kindergarden and that i would come back later. " men jag träffade just Minna vid konsum, jenny är hos hennes pappa" she said. The next thing you know i am laying on the ground with excrutiating pain from my groin area. Charlotte had kicked me in the nuts and was now battering me with a shovel. I screamed in agony whilst trying to protect my head from her vicious blows. " Tyst din jävel" she screamed over and over whilst hitting me. She caught me a good blow to the head and I lost conciousness. I am now sitting in a jail cell writing this story and i am accused for the murder of Charlottes husband who they found buried beneath the pavement stones and for the attempt to murder Charlotte. My fingerprints were found on the garbage bag he was buried in and charlotte had said i came back to get her but she managed to get tht kick in. Who do you think they believe? A convicted drug addict and thief or the hard working mother and law abiding citizen? I AM INNOCENT I SWEAR.

 A new dieting craze has hit the United States! ANASORB. Your food intake can remain as always, only instead of consuming your food orally you do it anally. Experts say that proteins and vitamins are absorbed through the thin tissue in your anal canal and and then into  the blood system. Your food gets inserted by what they call an Anal Feeder. It is simply a tube similar to what we have on our vacuum machines. The rectum is first lubricated, insert the anal feeder then pour your blended dinner in. Bon apetit.

Religion! The root of all evil. I myself believe there is a god or something,,,a creator but i am also a logical thinker. I have asked many priests, christian, catholic etc etc if they actually  believe there was a Noahs ark? They all answered yes? or " do you really believe that people lived to be over 300 years old?" they answered yes? I could go on and on with similar examples. What if I was to tell you readers that god told me to take all new born baby boys and cut the skin off their penises? a bush that was on fire spoke to me? and if you dont belive me! you will burn for eternity in a lake of fire, I may even send some one around to kill all you disbelieving fuckers! Fuck it! may as well go all the way, I will find a whole little country of people who have different religious views to mine. Me and my people will kill every single person there, including cute little babies, mothers and children. I think I will even change the name of the country to Misrael and claim it for my people, Auzwich etc will look like a picnic compared to what I have in mind. By the way! all the food you idiots eat must be blessed by one of my employees otherwise you are commiting a serious crime and may even go to hell for it, The cost of this ceromony will be discussed in private.  We are also beginning a building project. God spoke to one of my men and He wants a temple built for him to live in whilst he visits our earth. Would you believe it! he even gave him a loooong list of materials he wants for the building. or his new home as i wish to call it. I never thought god would go into such detail but he wants,,,,100 yards of the finest silk, 628kilos of gold, Wooden mahogony beams exactly 7 meters in length, 10 inch by 8 thick( 300 of those). The finest marble floors, each plate must be 45 inches by 60 inches , satin sheets, a big screen T.V and much more. He also asked me to ask you readers to donate all this stuff to us, I am sure all materials donated will give you a guaranteed chair in heaven when you die. By the way! if you die? your body must now be buried only in one of our grand burial spots. One of my men will be willing to conduct a special ceremony for your soul,,, for a price of course. I also want all your new borns to baptized otherwise they will go to hell,,,, this also has a price. If you have no money? a payment plan for your relatives and loved ones shall be provided. We are having an introduction party next week where a friend of mine will be performing miracles. He will be walking on water and later in the night will turn all the water in my swimming pool into wine,,,, dont miss it! One last thing, someone has been stealing pigs from our wealthy farmers. Do not eat pig meat! it is a a deadly sin and you will go to hell. ????????????????????????? Why do millions of people believe the above to be true? could the bible maybe be gods way to weed out the fools?

A screaming woman layed on a bed,the white sheets sheets were sprayed with her blood and pain. I could also see several people standing around her, they were all wearing white clothing and white masks. One of them had me in his arms and was performing a surgical procedure on my navel. I screamed in agony and fear. That was my introduction to the beginning of life. The day i was born.